18 & 19 week pregnancy update

I decided to miss out week 17 as nothing had changed and to just repeat myself would be silly... Week 18 finally meant I no longer felt sick (insert happy dance here) my energy levels have improved and just generally feeling more like myself than a very tired nauseous pregnant person. Week 19 has so far been the same, more energy and more my normal self... Of course the biggest news is that we are having a GIRL I can hardly believe in wring that! I thought girl from the beginning for no reason in particular I just felt that way. When it was confirmed I couldn't believe what I was hearing! We took Harry along to the private scan as we wanted him to be a part of it with ushe refers to the baby as "his baby" and it's so lovely that he's excited. We would have been over the moon with either gender but it's also lovely to be having one of each. 

In week 19 her movement has changed from little flutters to really feeling and seeing her roll around and for me that's the best/only part of pregnancy that I love... I feel like I can really bond with her now I can feel her rolling around and I'm sure it won't be too long before my husband and Harry can feel her moving around too. 

All in all everything feels so positive, like I said I feel much more human now and I'm really enjoying this pregnancy. I can't believe I'm nearly half way through and it really won't belong before we get to meet our daughter. 

16 week pregnancy update.

Here's my 16 week update, I didn't do a 15 week update as really nothing had changed. At 16 weeks I'm feeling much better, for the most part the nausea has gone and I have a bit more energy - although that could be down to the sunshine we've had recently. 

I feel huge although I realise I'm not and that I'm just going to get way way bigger, baby is moving around lots and appears to have a little routine, although I don't get much time to sit and "feel" baby move I do try to have a couple of minute in the morning and evening to check in with the baby if you like. I'm now starting to be able to feel where the baby is and have had a wonky bump when he or she is on one side. 

We have a gender scan on Saturday and we are so excited, we both think we are having a girl, I don't know why but we do. It will be interesting to see if we are right, we both though we were having a boy with Harry and we were right so we shall see, I'm genuinely not fussed about what the gender is at all we both just want a happy healthy baby that sleeps - as many of you will no Harry wasn't a sleeper for the first 19 months of his life. 

Cravings have really started now but I'm

Mostly craving pizza with BBQ sauce, chicken sandwiches and any fruit that's red. So not all unhealthy. 

I weighed myself every week when I was pregnant with Harry, I have only weighed myself once this time around as I don't want to get hung up on "weight gain" . 

I'm sleeping really well which is the opposite of whe I was pregnant witn H,  I'm enjoying this pregnancy a lot more now I've reached 16 weeks, I feel that I've settled down all my anxietys. 

That's all to report for this week, I will write a "gender reveal" update next week when we have had time to tell all our loved ones first. 

Take care and I'll talk to you in my next post. Xoxo 

Miscarriage

Firstly I want to say that I'm writing this well actually I'm typing but writing sounds better - I digress... I'm writing this for my own benefit and for anyone else who has been though a miscarriage. I'm going to go into graphic detail and if you can't handle reading about something traumatic then this isn't the blog post for you. If however like me you want to be reminded that it's ok to feel the way you feel then please read. Once I had gone through a miscarriage I wanted to know a) the facts and b) I wanted validation that I wasn't the only person to feel the way I did. 

Firstly I want to say that whatever stage your at and whatever your feeling, your feeling the right way and you are NORMAL. Something I had no idea about was how common miscarriage is, 1 in 4 pregnancy's end in miscarriage, that's huge, and there's no words to describe just how shit that is for so many people. Also I should also say that I can only talk about my experience and I know it's so different for everyone but if one person reads this who felt or feels a similar way then I hope it helps. So here we go I'm going to explain what happened to me and my husband (I say my husband because he very much went through grief, it was different but we both went through it and it's right to acknowledge that) I'm going to explain what happened to me physically and emotionally as best I can. Also again I want to say that I don't want to offend or upset anyone so please don't read further if you are of a sensitive nature as I don't want to upset anyone but I also want to give an honest account of what happened to anyone who might either be interested or need to read this. 6 months ago I needed to read what I'm about to wright and that's why I'm writing it now. 

After having a normal pregnancy up until 11 weeks and 4 days I started to bleed. Only a tiny bit but there was blood and I was scared. I called the midwife and explained she reassured me that some bleeding was quite normal and that unless it got worse not to worry. I took her advice and carried on looking after my toddler and all the other normal day to day stuff. Later that day the bleeding stopped, a breathed a sigh of relief and went to bed feeling very thankful and happy. The following day I had planned a play date at a local soft play centre with a friend. Off we went and for the first hour we had a great time. After an hour or so I began to bleed agin, I stayed calm remembers what the midwife had said yesterday and carried on with our play date, then the bleeding got much worse like the first day of your period, I made an excuse that I had to get home and left, I rang my husband and cried saying that I was miscarrying. I got home put Harry down for a nap and called the midwife again. 

I was told that there was nothing that could be done and so I was to just wait it out at home. This advice is not helpful to a woman who is miscarrying because what you want to hear is that they are going to save your babies life,

What your actually told is that your babies life is not viable... Again not what you want to hear because of course to you it is very much a viable life. I handled it all very well and screamed at my midwife over the phone for at least 20 mins, she was very patient and clearly had heard all of what I was saying before. After that phone conversation I felt calm and numb. I cooked tea for my family, ate it cleared up, did bath time and then had a shower, all the while the bleeding staying like a heavy period. I had been told that it wouldn't get any worse than that. 

That evening we watched TV and tried to pretend that nothing was happening , at this stage I hadn't passed anything that looked like an 11 week foetus (the size of a fig) so I felt that the baby was clinging on. Just before bed at around 9.30 I felt as if I was passing something, it was a large clot, not a baby but a large clot none the less, tears followed you know the shoulder shaking tears that are just impossible to stop. Once again I composed myself and went to bed I slept soundly surprisingly. But at 1.30 am I woke up converted in blood and in quite a bit of pain. I got up and ran to our bathroom, I was pushing and the blood with literally spillong out of me like nothing is seen before. At that moment I thought I was going to die... Not being dramatic but I really didn't see how it was possible to loose that much blood. I called to my husband to call an ambulance, it arrived quickly, two lovely female paramedics came into our home,

By this time I was downstairs, I didn't want to wake our son up while all of this was going on it was a distressing scene for an adult let alone a toddler. One of the paramedics checked our loo to get an idea of the amount of blood I had lost , I had lost too much blood and was therefore taken to hospital. The ride in the ambulance was surreal, we talked laughed and cried on the way, both paramedics were amazing. I wish I had their names so I could write and thank them for the care they gave me. When we arrived at hospital there was a long cue and I had to wait in the ambulance for just over an hour, where I lost more blood and more very large clots, shortly after the bleeding slowed down and I felt "empty" I felt different and I knew that I was no longer pregnant. Once inside A&E I was left on my own on a trolley in a corridor.. It was a little like a panama me investigates program, the staff were amazing, but so so so overstretched. It was noisey, hot and busy, I was frightened. Soon my husband appeared and I cried huge tears of relief that I was no longer on my own. I was then out on a drip and taken to a ward that was also over crowded , I had to go on a stretcher bed in a store cupboard on the ward. I was there for 4 house before I got loved to a room on my own away from the movie of babies crying. It is a sad layout of the hospital that you should be near babies while loosing your own. Not too long after that a doctor came and told me that I had gone through a miscarriage and that I would have a scan later that day to check that all tissue had gone. 

I had the scan, there was no baby, there was nothing, just an empty space where our baby should have been. I went back to my room past the women waiting for their scans that would bring happy news, past the labour ward where parents were meeting their babies for the first time and into my cold empty room. I got dressed and waited to be discharged. We went home, we had fish and chips for tea, I held Harry so tightly. Harry went to bed and I slept. 

The following morning it hit me I wasn't pregnant. I felt cold. I felt angry, empty, exhausted, lonely, confused, in denial, pretty much every emotion I could have felt. The next few weeks were strange, the day's floated by and in all honesty I wasn't aware of anything really, just breathing, keeping things normal for Harry. Crying on my own, crying on my husband . 

Two months passed and I finally had the day of been waiting for the day where it didn't feel so raw, day by day it got easier, I talked about the baby we lost, I told Harry about it, I spoke to friends and family about it. We planted a tree and buried a letter to the baby with it. 

Now six months on, I look at the tree how it's grown, it will always grow and I will watch Harry play around it knowing happily what it stands for. I'm now 15 weeks pregnant and life is feeling positive. I haven't forgotten and I won't forget. I lost one twin during this pregnancy and some how it's a comfort to know that the first baby we lost isn't on its own, even though I don't believe in heaven I do believe that our angel babies are together somewhere. 

Like I said earlier I don't want this to upset anyone I want it to be hear so rant anyone who needs to read this to feel normal can. I needed to read this six months ago. I'm so sorry to anyone who knows how I feel. It gets easier. But you never forget. Xx 

14 week pregnancy update

14 weeks already! I'd like to say it's flown by but it really hasn't, morning sickness and fatigue have been present from pretty much day one and unfortunately they are still around now.. Anxiety has been a major factor too after looking a baby at 11 weeks early this year and then discovering that we had also lost a twin from this pregnancy too. 

All that being said we feel very positive and we are really starting to enjoy pregnancy and all the excitement having a baby brings. I'm feeling lots of movement, especially in the evenings and it totally melts my heart. I've really looking forward to my husband being able to feel some big kicks soon too.. 

Sharing this pregnancy with my husband is wonderful just like it was when I was pregnant with our son Harry, however now I have the added bonus of sharing it with Harry too... When asked "what's in mummy's tummy" Harry shouts baby and points at my tummy, it's possibly the cutest thing ever. 

My energy is slowly coming back this week and the sickness is slightly less so that good. My bump as up can see is already rather large and I'm loving it, (although I miss sleeping on my tummy!) 

All in all everything feels very positive and I'm starting to relax. I've been craving any red fruit and pizza so sort of healthy. No idea of a gender as yet but assuming a boy as I already have a boy and I suppose I see myself as a mamma of boys.. But time will tell... 

By for now xxx

Change lies ahead.

Hello to my probably one reader, who lets face it is probably my mother, I've never asked her if she reads my blog or not because if I'm honest I'm not sure if I'd be happy with either answer. If the answer was yes then I'd feel as if she was reading my diary, and if she said no then I'd think "hang on I'm your only child who you should devote all your energy and focus on because I'm your life" (that's not really how I feel but you know what I mean). 

I digress, I've been thinking that I need to make a change, a change to my blog, I'm not happy with any aspect of it, from the way it looks to the content. I mostly have mad grammar and spelling mistakes nobody has picked me up on this hence why I think that my mum is probably my only reader... So I'm thinking do I have a complete change, delete this vlog and start a new one? Or do I allow the change to happen to my original blog so that there is a progression of my getting better at "blogging". 

I like writing, not that I can call this writing, in fact it's not even typing because I'm doing it on my phone on an app. How lazy. However I still like writing, I even like writing shopping lists, but what I really like is writing with a lovely pen and that really nice paper, you know the stuff that really soaks up the ink... That's my favourite, I have terrible handwriting it looks like constipated spiders have run through ink and then all over the page... I think I'm the only person who can read it, except for my dad because he too has dreadful handwriting, although I love his writing because he's my dad and I've got quite a lot of hero worship for him if I'm honest. 

So what do you think one reader? Can you let me know what I should do, I would like to blog more and be more open and honest in my writing/typing/tapping at my phone screen, d like to write about some of the stuff that pops into my head because really if just like to remember it. I'd like to use my blog as a sort of therapy, to mull things over... I'd also like to have a go at being a bit witty although this might be an abortion set too high. I'm not very good at technology, I haven't even mastered Internet banking so I'm somewhat stuck in the dark ages, but I'd like to learn and I'm quite enthusiastic in an annoying sort of way. 

Anyone going to sign off now as I need to mop floors, hang out washing, dust and clean a bathroom in the 5 minutes before my small child wakes up. 

Catch you soon Sophie x

Being a woman...

Firstly as always I apologise for the fact I haven't blogged in so long and for the fact that whenever I do blog this is the first sentence. I suppose I just haven't felt like I wanted too, and as this is supposed to be something I do to enjoy and as a release almost, I guess that's ok... 

However I have recently found that I am feeling passionate about a topic other than my family and the latest steam mop on the market. (Yes I am that sad) 

I'm passionate about women supporting each other, it would seem that not many do this... For me personally I love being a woman in this day and age, for all the wonderful things being a woman gives you and the number one for me is to carry and then give birth and raise a child, for me nothing can top that. Women are great! We can now do pretty much whatever we want within reason and that is so fabulous, we don't quite have equality but it's certainly on the way, in many parts of the world, many other parts leave a lot to be desired. 

So in this wonderful day and age where women have a "choice" about their destiny why is it that every single time I look on a certain form of social media that I see women tearing strips off one another! Are we meant to not build each other up? I come from a long line of independent, strong women who build each other up, the friends I have that are women only build each other up so why on earth should we feel the need to tear strips off other women, that could be in our head or chatting to friends about the mum who looked a bit flustered at playgroup this week. 

Yes I'm currently a stay at home mum... Because if was the choice that my husband and I made for our family, I don't have independence as I rely so let on my husband to support me financially (and for that I'm very greatfull) however that doesn't make me any less of an independent woman... I had a choice and choice is what it's all about... 

We are living in a time where women have to have if ALL! We have to be sexy, but not too much that's slutty, we have to work and have kids and if we only do one of those then we are judged again, we have to wax and shave fucking everywhere! Look presentable at all times, be good wives and amazing mothers, keep the house immaculate and have tea on the table, and play with the children, do homework, run the house and be sexually addiquate... Surely with doing all these things we as women should be supporting each other... 

My husband often calls me a feminist , and I suppose I am, I mean who wouldn't be on their own side? So why aren't all women? 

Anyway congratulations if you made it to the end of quite frankly a bit of a rant ... Keep being fabulous x

Harry's 18 month update.

So this monkey is now 20 months and I've only just got round to writing my blog again, so here is Harry's 18 month update, luckily I wrote things down when he was 18 months so this post should t be to vague. 

The biggest thing to happen at 18 months is that Harry now sleeps through the night consistently, this has been the most amazing breakthrough for all three of us because let's be honest sleep is so important and lack of it can send you to hell and back. The thing that cracked it was no more nighttime milk, this was so hard as Harry has always needed me to feed him to sleep despite trying various different self settling methods. However it seemed that at 18 months Harry was able to cope emotionally with a little bit of cry it out and no more boobie. This also meant that when he did wake up that my husband could attend to him and I finally had some sleep. 

The next big milestone was giving up breastfeeding completely, this was so emotional for both of us and I think Harry coped better than me. But by the time he was nearly 19 months there was no more breastfeeding. There were no tears from Harry but plenty from me. 

Harry's speach has also come on in leaps and bounds and he is saying so many words, Doggy, that, two, there, yes, no are just a few. Listening to his speach develop is so exciting and I'm loving how he points and chats about everything. 

Something else that has become clear in his 18th month is that he isn't a baby anymore he is a proper little person, he has his own ideas and preferences, he knows what he wants and how he wants it, this can be challenging to deal with but it's wonderful to watch his character develop. 

His routine has changed since he was 18 months but it still hasn't really settled into a predictable pattern, in fact I think the days of predictable routines are over. Harry is on the go running everywhere constantly, he never stops, he looks for the next step in whatever we are doing before he has finished the first, he's clever and has a great sense of humour! 

He's not at all shy about saying what he wants to do and has become so independent. His little character is blossoming and I'm so glad that I'm here to watch him grow and develop along the way.