Firstly I want to say that I'm writing this well actually I'm typing but writing sounds better - I digress... I'm writing this for my own benefit and for anyone else who has been though a miscarriage. I'm going to go into graphic detail and if you can't handle reading about something traumatic then this isn't the blog post for you. If however like me you want to be reminded that it's ok to feel the way you feel then please read. Once I had gone through a miscarriage I wanted to know a) the facts and b) I wanted validation that I wasn't the only person to feel the way I did.
Firstly I want to say that whatever stage your at and whatever your feeling, your feeling the right way and you are NORMAL. Something I had no idea about was how common miscarriage is, 1 in 4 pregnancy's end in miscarriage, that's huge, and there's no words to describe just how shit that is for so many people. Also I should also say that I can only talk about my experience and I know it's so different for everyone but if one person reads this who felt or feels a similar way then I hope it helps. So here we go I'm going to explain what happened to me and my husband (I say my husband because he very much went through grief, it was different but we both went through it and it's right to acknowledge that) I'm going to explain what happened to me physically and emotionally as best I can. Also again I want to say that I don't want to offend or upset anyone so please don't read further if you are of a sensitive nature as I don't want to upset anyone but I also want to give an honest account of what happened to anyone who might either be interested or need to read this. 6 months ago I needed to read what I'm about to wright and that's why I'm writing it now.
After having a normal pregnancy up until 11 weeks and 4 days I started to bleed. Only a tiny bit but there was blood and I was scared. I called the midwife and explained she reassured me that some bleeding was quite normal and that unless it got worse not to worry. I took her advice and carried on looking after my toddler and all the other normal day to day stuff. Later that day the bleeding stopped, a breathed a sigh of relief and went to bed feeling very thankful and happy. The following day I had planned a play date at a local soft play centre with a friend. Off we went and for the first hour we had a great time. After an hour or so I began to bleed agin, I stayed calm remembers what the midwife had said yesterday and carried on with our play date, then the bleeding got much worse like the first day of your period, I made an excuse that I had to get home and left, I rang my husband and cried saying that I was miscarrying. I got home put Harry down for a nap and called the midwife again.
I was told that there was nothing that could be done and so I was to just wait it out at home. This advice is not helpful to a woman who is miscarrying because what you want to hear is that they are going to save your babies life,
What your actually told is that your babies life is not viable... Again not what you want to hear because of course to you it is very much a viable life. I handled it all very well and screamed at my midwife over the phone for at least 20 mins, she was very patient and clearly had heard all of what I was saying before. After that phone conversation I felt calm and numb. I cooked tea for my family, ate it cleared up, did bath time and then had a shower, all the while the bleeding staying like a heavy period. I had been told that it wouldn't get any worse than that.
That evening we watched TV and tried to pretend that nothing was happening , at this stage I hadn't passed anything that looked like an 11 week foetus (the size of a fig) so I felt that the baby was clinging on. Just before bed at around 9.30 I felt as if I was passing something, it was a large clot, not a baby but a large clot none the less, tears followed you know the shoulder shaking tears that are just impossible to stop. Once again I composed myself and went to bed I slept soundly surprisingly. But at 1.30 am I woke up converted in blood and in quite a bit of pain. I got up and ran to our bathroom, I was pushing and the blood with literally spillong out of me like nothing is seen before. At that moment I thought I was going to die... Not being dramatic but I really didn't see how it was possible to loose that much blood. I called to my husband to call an ambulance, it arrived quickly, two lovely female paramedics came into our home,
By this time I was downstairs, I didn't want to wake our son up while all of this was going on it was a distressing scene for an adult let alone a toddler. One of the paramedics checked our loo to get an idea of the amount of blood I had lost , I had lost too much blood and was therefore taken to hospital. The ride in the ambulance was surreal, we talked laughed and cried on the way, both paramedics were amazing. I wish I had their names so I could write and thank them for the care they gave me. When we arrived at hospital there was a long cue and I had to wait in the ambulance for just over an hour, where I lost more blood and more very large clots, shortly after the bleeding slowed down and I felt "empty" I felt different and I knew that I was no longer pregnant. Once inside A&E I was left on my own on a trolley in a corridor.. It was a little like a panama me investigates program, the staff were amazing, but so so so overstretched. It was noisey, hot and busy, I was frightened. Soon my husband appeared and I cried huge tears of relief that I was no longer on my own. I was then out on a drip and taken to a ward that was also over crowded , I had to go on a stretcher bed in a store cupboard on the ward. I was there for 4 house before I got loved to a room on my own away from the movie of babies crying. It is a sad layout of the hospital that you should be near babies while loosing your own. Not too long after that a doctor came and told me that I had gone through a miscarriage and that I would have a scan later that day to check that all tissue had gone.
I had the scan, there was no baby, there was nothing, just an empty space where our baby should have been. I went back to my room past the women waiting for their scans that would bring happy news, past the labour ward where parents were meeting their babies for the first time and into my cold empty room. I got dressed and waited to be discharged. We went home, we had fish and chips for tea, I held Harry so tightly. Harry went to bed and I slept.
The following morning it hit me I wasn't pregnant. I felt cold. I felt angry, empty, exhausted, lonely, confused, in denial, pretty much every emotion I could have felt. The next few weeks were strange, the day's floated by and in all honesty I wasn't aware of anything really, just breathing, keeping things normal for Harry. Crying on my own, crying on my husband .
Two months passed and I finally had the day of been waiting for the day where it didn't feel so raw, day by day it got easier, I talked about the baby we lost, I told Harry about it, I spoke to friends and family about it. We planted a tree and buried a letter to the baby with it.
Now six months on, I look at the tree how it's grown, it will always grow and I will watch Harry play around it knowing happily what it stands for. I'm now 15 weeks pregnant and life is feeling positive. I haven't forgotten and I won't forget. I lost one twin during this pregnancy and some how it's a comfort to know that the first baby we lost isn't on its own, even though I don't believe in heaven I do believe that our angel babies are together somewhere.
Like I said earlier I don't want this to upset anyone I want it to be hear so rant anyone who needs to read this to feel normal can. I needed to read this six months ago. I'm so sorry to anyone who knows how I feel. It gets easier. But you never forget. Xx
